So, folks, we're a month in. For over 30 days, I've been juggling the multiple roles of graduate student, missionary, mommy and wife...and to be honest...it has not been flawless. Not even in the slightest.
This last month has required a lot of vulnerability on my part, and a lot of grace on the part of my husband. A lot of unwashed dishes and unfolded baskets of laundry. A lot of NOT cooking...or eating copious amounts of leftovers...from Chipotle...all week long. Namely, I am learning very quickly that I cannot do it all.
Now, what I mean when I say this is not that I cannot do it.
What I mean is that I cannot do it all...without asking for help.
This whole experience, even after just a month, has really shown me how I need to communicate more. With all the exactitude of a emergency room surgeon, I've become very used to seeing what needs to be done and doing it without consulting anyone. However, doing so many things at once has forced me to ask for help, has forced me to delegate out parts of responsibilities that I have become accustomed to doing myself--maybe, even, with a touch of pride. I've had to let go of my penchant for perfectionism and let someone else take care of it, please.
After 30 days, I've realized: I need people.
As if my reality weren't already operating on a whole lotta people doing a whole lot behind-the-scenes, anyway. It's always been that way. It's not like my husband, or extended family, or friends, just suddenly turned really gracious. They've been this way the whole time. It's just that I've been too dense...and too much of a control freak...to really see them helping before, or to really give them meaningful opportunities to help.
Similarly, this whole time, I've had to fight the temptation to believe that my need to ask people for help is somehow indicative of weakness. And maybe it is weakness. And maybe my admitting that I don't have it all together and that I'm not some kind of superwoman is not weakness, but, in reality, a pretty darn tough thing to do.
Maybe it's taken me this long to realize that I've been operating under an illusion of control for a long time. Maybe this is how discipleship is supposed to happen in The Kingdom; people learn to serve not because I'm a CEO using my interns from a place of hierarchal authority, but, because I'm a real person with real challenges asking for help from those around me from a position of humility.
In reality, a CEO could be asking for help from that latter position, too.
And wouldn't that be so much more compelling?
Maybe weak is the new strong.
In Isaiah 41:13, God promises that He will help. That we don't have to fear...be it the overwhelming circumstances, our ineptitude, or the lack of hours in the day.
Well, thank God. Really. I couldn't do this without Him...or without the help and grace of all the generous people that He puts in my life, again, and again, and again. Thanks, friends.
All of You.
